here i go thinking again...

just when it seems like i can get mark off of my mind... he comes creeping right back in and i hate it. ive been having dreams about him. and i'll be so happy for a week or so, then i go right back to hating life. it's so hard, and i dont understand it at all. i dont wanna be here, i dont wanna live anymore. but for some reason, God has a purpose for me. i just wish i knew what it was. i cry myself to sleep every night. i always down myself on either how i look, how much i weigh, or my past. i feel like im never going to be good enough for anyone. mostly because of my past. i need help. end of story.

goodnight.

im breaking down.

i never knew i could miss someone so much. until now. its mark's bday and he's in florida.. and he is supposed to be in court today.. which he wont be. so he will have a warrant for his arrest out. i want him to be a better person, i know he can be! God,  i love him so much more than he deserves. but he makes me happy. and for some reason i cannot quit thinking about him. and crying over him. or for him... idk which one. ughh my head is pounding ive been crying so much. i just wanna run my car off a bridge.. not to die. but to be put in a situation that someone will be there to take care of me. cause it seems like the more and more i try.. the less and less people are there for me. every day is a miracle that i wake up.

goodnight.

thinking...

i've been thinking a lot in the past thirty minutes. and when i think it isnt good. i miss the way things used to be. and the way things should be. the other night Aunt Tina told Shalene (right in front of me) that when Mark is sad and down he ALWAYS calls me first. not his mom, aunt tina, brother, or nana... me. and Josh tells me tonight that all Mark has ever talked about around him.. was me. why?! i dont understand. all he does is make me cry. cause i think about him almost every day. before i go to sleep and all day.  and his mom told me the other night that Mark keeps asking her who he needs to be with, and everytime she tells him me. and that makes things so much harder for me.

"Better That We Break"

I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby

Mark Alan...

He is my world. and i know im in love with Kevin too. but it's different kinds of love. Mark is who my heart longs for.

and as he blew my phone up (8 missed calls in 3 minutes) i rejected it... every time. and then he text me and said its mark answer plsss hrry. so he called back and i answered...

Mark called me tonight as he was overdosing on 60 xanex bars. and i think him telling me that he hates his life over and over kinda broke me down.. bc i love his life. and he kept telling me to pray for him, and not to worry he loves me. he said he hates his life bc he lost his car, bike, and the only girl he ever cared about. thats when i broke down. the tears just started to pour. he was crying, and so was i. he kept saying, "Emily i cant see anything, my hands are numb, and the room is gray" and i swear i think i had a mini heart attack. he started to cough, and i asked if he was ok. he said im just coughing up blood, its cool. im killing myself. you wont ever have to worry about me again. i said mark, thats the thing i worry about you everyday, because i love you. i seriously love you.

he started to cry and said i love you too Emily. i told him that God can use him and He has a purpose for his life. not to kill himself. i told him i would help out with $ for court. not a lot, but i could help some. and i told him that if he was gonna die to at least accept God into his heart. and believe that when he did die that it was going to be very real. Heaven or Hell. his choice. he said im not ready for that. so i just said ok. what else am i supposed to say?

then his mom came into the room and shoved 6 charcoal pills down his throat. thank God!

im still crying as i write this, because i dont want someone who was my best friend, and boyfriend to die. or to think he is worthless. when in all reality... he is so worthy to me. he is like a diamond in the rough. and i can help him, and witness to him. maybe even change his life.

i wrote him a letter, and mailed it off Monday.

and thats why he called right after he took all those xanex bars.

bc he couldnt stop reading that letter over and over again.

well after tonight... its been a rough one to say the least. but hopefully things will all be ok in the morning.

i thank God everyday for everyone He has put in my life, and everyone He has taken out of my life. and i know God is continually blessing me! every second of every day. and for that i am truly grateful.

He has given me Lindsay.. she is an awesome friend and person. and i never express my feelings to her... or anyone. but i love her to death. she has been there for me over the past little while more than my two "best friends" have been. and i am so thankful for her. super excited for ATL this weekend!

Dock... where to even start with him? lol. he's pretty awesome. and i think that God is using him in ways he doesnt even know yet..and i know Dock is gonna do great things. and i cant wait to see what those things might be!!

P. Ric is the most awesome youth pastor EVER. every week listening to him preach i just feel like its directed to me! even though its just in general.... when i miss church, i feel like im lost. and something just isnt right. i love everything P.Ric has done for the teenagers of this city. and mostly i love him for everything he has done for me. Tiff too! she is awesome. and i always know i can talk to her about ANYTHING.

mommy- she is an awesome, beautiful, strong, caring person. even though sometimes we fight and she makes me wanna slip up... i still love her. with everything i have! without her i wouldnt be where i am today. and i am so thankful for her.

BubbyLove<3 - Ethan is the best little brother anyone could ask for. i love him to the moon and back. and i am so thankful God put us 10 years apart. we are so close, and he looks up to me. and that just makes me wanna be a better person!

last but not least, he gave me Mark. and i thank Him for sending me Mark every day. i continually pray over him. and i pray that one day he sees the good in himself that i see in him. i love Mark with all the little broken pieces of my heart.. i mean come on, i have his racing number tattooed on me. and i honestly dont want to cover it up. bc i know deep down one day i will be waking up next to him for the rest of my life. i dont know why he chose me to call tonight, but it was all a part of God's plan. for me to be able to witness to him. i love Mark to death <3

i know that im not perfect, just forgiven <3

say your prayers!

pray for:

mark

clay's son

mrs angie

me

my dad

and all

of the sick,

heartbroken, hurt,

addicted, angry,

hateful, stressed, disappointed,

and mean people of the world.

goodnight! :)

Mark Alan Benton <3

Lindsay <3

my sweet bubbylove <3

Mommy <3

sometimes i just wish things were different.

some days i hate my life more than other days. tonight more than any other night i wanted to run my car into the other lane of traffic. or go overdose on pills. but i guess its a good thing i didnt, or my mom might have to risk spending time with her boyfriend. 

its harder now than ever.

I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise, like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you, without you

I see your blue eyes every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to, when I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

But I never told you what I should have said
No, I never told you, I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
After all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you, without you

-Colbie Caillat <3


 im in kind of a depressed mood. (whats new)

for some reason tonight, i miss mark more than ive ever missed him. i keep listening to that song over and over again. cause i do miss him so much, and i just wish he could change because he wants to, and we could be together. i love him with everything i have. he was the best thing i had, and i wish i could go back and fix things.. but its too late for all that. he's on my mind when i wake up, all day, when i go to sleep. i even have dreams of being with him. i dont know why, but i cant get him off my mind. no matter what i do. i just wish he could see that im changing for the better and he would want to change. or something. maybe he would go to the basement with me?! idk. but i mean, i have an everyday reminder of him tattooed, and i want it to stay there.. because maybe, just maybe one day i'll wake up beside him and not have any regrets about this tattoo. ive been crying so much, my eyes are burning. i just keep all this inside, because everyone says hes no good. and i dont need him.. but i do, i honestly do. i NEED him. so much. no one understands that.. but oh well.

i wanna stay clean and do good. but i also want mark to be with me, and go back to being mine. i wish i could do right and be with him. cause im in love with him. and i thank God for him. why do things have to be so difficult?! i dont understand. and i cant keep all this in. its getting harder and harder. when im with other guys or even just texting another guy... i compare everything about them to Mark. EVERYTHING about them. hair, eyes, smile, laugh, comfort, attitude, the way they dress, what they do, how they talk, how they text.. all of it. and for some reason no other guy compares to him. and i know that if we're meant to be together then we will end up being together. but i dont know if the heartbreak is worth the wait. because my heart seriously aches for him. all day every day.

goodnight.

my future.

tonight was good. i cried in front of Lindsay, and it was totally ok. which is awesome. and she is so right. during the day it is so easy to put on a smile and pretend to be happy. but at night you lay down and dont move bc youre scared that if you do all the pain will spread and wont go away. i feel like that every night. it sucks, but ive come to terms with it. mark is my past. and he will stay my past. im going to write him a letter. to express my feelings, and why i choose for him to stay in my past.

but im going to sleep, hopefully. 8:15 is coming fast.

goodnight.

my friend called disaster.

I once had a life, where air filled my

lungs instead of poison; where my mind

thought for itself and not thoughts full

of toxins. I was once simply ordinary

until i met a friend named monster who

showed me how to be extraordinary. no

more work for this little girl, just

a monster to make my head swirl. deeper

and deeper away from everyone he took me, to

show me a life only the monster could help

me be. higher and higher he took me, until

high was all that i knew how to be. so far up i

was, that i couldnt see the ground and all

i could feel was the chaos all around. i

couldnt get enough of this monster, he

changed my life with this friend named

disaster. together the three of us walked

hand in hand on a moving surface know as

quick sand. faster and faster the hands

of life spun, bringing me closer to a

doom that could not be undone. my

life became one without meaning, i

couldnt break free, no one heard me

screaming. finally someone came along

that forgave me for doing all my

wrong. He showed me with love

and talked about HIs plans for me that

came from above. He showed me the evil

of my two friends. He helped bring monster

and disaster to an end. He gave me air to

once again breathe, and a hopeful future

for all to see. my Savior in the end

was the only one i needed as my friend.

monster and disaster still hide under

my bed, hoping to convince me their

evil is all in my head. but i will

stay on my knees, showing the

world Jesus is all i'll ever need.

-Lindsay Aaron.

-written for me.



quotes ♥

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.

What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?

Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?'

In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry.

I've always been the good girl. The girl whose parents said that she would grow up and actually become something. But I'm not like that anymore. I never thought I'd drink or snort those pills but I guess I was wrong. Now that I've done it I don't wanna stop. It's like cutting, once you drag that blade across your skin you can't stop. You don't wanna stop. I know you wanted a perfect teenage girl but in reality there isn't one.

What is depression really? Is there one concrete definition, or has the meaning loosened as our generation has continued it's downhill descent? To me, depression is simply my life. I'm not suicidal. I'm not a cutter. I don't hate the world. I don't dress completely in black. I'm just sad. I've been sad for what feels like my entire life, but that's not true. I was happy once and I can vaguely remember what it felt like, but I can't touch it. I can't get that happiness back, I don't know how. That's what depression is to me, knowing what happiness is, but never being able to touch it, to feel it.- Jenny Leigh

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it's all gone.

In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

Sometimes I hope we're still friends when I get married. I hope that I'll invite you to the wedding and you'll come. Then you'll see me as the happiest girl in the world. You'll see me with a guy that treats me right and loves me more than himself. You'll see all that you could've had and you'll regret letting me go. But the thing that I want you to see the most is that I survived without you.

How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I day-dream about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversation; laughing at funny things that you said or did.. I've memorized your face && the way that you look at me.. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine.. I wonder what will happen the next time we are together & even though nothing will come out of this,i know one thing for sure, for once.. i dont care, I love you.

i always have an out. An exit strategy to make sure i don't get hurt. i always walk always. I walk away before you can walk away from me.

There have been alot of cars in my driveway; I've toyed with bad boys, momma's boys & country boys. I've been broken by a few and broken a few myself. I've been the rebound, the challenge, the fallback, the 'good time' and the girlfriend. I've been the mistake, and the correction BUT one day someone will love me for what I've been and what I am. One day, someone will love me. ♥ 

Testimony.

this is my testimony.

all throughout high school i didnt drink much and i never did drugs, but i did sleep with a couple of guys. when i moved to Tuscaloosa in August 2010 is when i really started to drink.. well around this time last year i started to clean for a guy.. Zach. two days before thanksgiving he raped me. and thats when i really started to get into the pills and weed. i moved home and i started smoking regularly and taking pills a lot. i started to hang out with the wrong people. and really sleeping around. im July i started to date a guy, Mark. and i still love him as a person.. but he got me more addicted to the weed and pills than i already was. i was killing myself every day. i did anything for pills or weed. i honestly dont know how im not dead yet. right after me and mark broke up, i spiraled even more down hill. if thats possible. i started to drink again, and take any pill anyone gave me or sold me. i have smoked pills. popped them. snorted them. sold them. bought them. all of the above. i smoked more than six times a day, and even when i lost my job i continued to find a way to get money so i could buy drugs. i can roll a joint in less than 10 seconds. and a blunt in less than a minute. ive also struggled with body image issues for over a year now. not many people know this.. but drugs, alcohol, and sex werent my only addictions. i was addicted to my weight, i never weighed over 100. and i still dont. i always have my eyebrows done, bc i feel like people make fun of me if i dont. i want a boob job, and a nose job. bc im not comfortable with my body. im constantly getting my hair done. i used to run 10 miles a day to stay tiny. i was also addicted to tanning in a tanning bed, i tanned every day.

and all of the sudden one day, when i took an OP 80 and almost died.. something was telling me, "hey Emily this isnt who you are.... this isnt how you act. youre better than this. you need help." and i knew as soon as i heard that voice of reason in my head that it was Jesus telling me that He was here to help. so i went to my mom and told her everything. and when i say everything i mean everything you just read. i started to get back involved in church. and i can feel Jesus changing me. i have been clean for 20 days now. and it has been one tough journey so far. ive almost slipped a few times. but i know better. i know that Jesus has a better life for me. and that He is going to use me to witness to young people all over the world. He is my rock, hope, peace, love, comforter, healer. and He is an awesome God.

i am slowly forgiving Zach for raping me. i have to forgive him though... ive already given him one night of my life, if i dont forgive him then im going to give him every night of my life. and he doesnt deserve that.

and dont get me wrong, im not just clean and happy. its a struggle every day to wake up and pray to an awesome Jesus. and not wake up thinking about where i can get my next pill or get weed from. its one of the biggest struggles ive been through. but i know i can continue to be great, and clean. and i realize now that with Jesus i can be happy and not have to have drugs, alcohol, or sex.

hard.

it's so hard for me to continue to be clean..

me and my mom got into it just a few minutes ago because she expects me to keep my little brother for her so she can show her boyfriend where some hunting land is.. i was gonna keep him today while she towed her car, but not for her to just go way out to the middle of no where to show her boyfriend something. it makes me mad that she just tries to put Ethan off on me. she hasnt even seen Ethan all weekend, and then she does this! no. so she said screw me. and she would find her own ride home from church and until she got home id have to keep ethan then im free of him from now on. it just seems like she thinks bc im not out doing drugs now i can just keep him whenever she pleases. but i have a life too. outside of this house. and outside of everything else. and she doesnt see that. and now that she said screw you its even harder to not wanna go out and get pills or weed. and i hate that, she is supposed to be supporting me and helping me. but her being mean and acting like that and acting like i have nothing else to do, or no life makes it hard. i do wanna go out and get high. everyday. but i know i cant. but when stuff like this happens, i want to. i know SO many places to get stuff from, and im even more tempted now! i just pray i dont screw up.



God you are higher than any other...

Jesus, my Savior... He is awesome. He has changed my life in ways some people may never know. and He has shown me that the paradise (Heaven) i will be in when i die is gonna be so great that the Earth doesnt compare to the dust in Heaven. and that just makes me excited!

Lindsay Aaron, one of my co-workers... she also trained me... is amazing too! we share a lot of similarities.. such as Christ as our Savior. and we have regular conversations about HIm. and i think that is awesome. there arent many people out there that you can do that with! she is actually going to come to church with me next week! im super excited.

im also excited to be off tomorrow, so i can go to the cadre at p.ric's house! i am just so on fire for God and its crazy! i love being on fire for Him. and knowing that He has a perfect plan for my life. and my story is only beginning.

remember to thank God for everything He has blessed you with!

goodnight :)

there's this guy...

so there's this guy... his name is MIke. and he's a pretty cool kid. he def needs motivation... he just moved to Bama from Michigan and he needs friends. and i am doing the best i can to be that to him. i am constantly praying for him, and trying to be the best friend to him that i can be. because i know how it is not to have anyone there for you when you're going through a hard time.  so i am gonna try my best to be his friend for as long as possible, we might even become more. you never know! he's interesting. and i like that.

but i had another good day.

and im happy. :)

and clean.

but im going to bed..

good night :)

support.

so Jesus is moving in me, and he is constantly changing me. and making me a new person. every day i wake up and thank God that i get to live to see another day. and for that i am super thankful. i know that i can make it through this tough time in my life... all because i have to Holy Spirit inside of me. and because i have an awesome support system. without Destiny, Journey, and my family and friends i wouldnt be able to make a change in my life. im working on figuring out who i am, and im ok with that. ive come to appreciate my life more and more everyday.

if i had 24 hrs to live.... i would have to forgive Zach. and Mark. i would make things right with my dad. i really dont know how i would re act to finding out i only had 24 hrs left.. but thats a start of some of what i would do.

i went with the cadre group to a haunted trail last night, and i had a blast. i WILL be at the cadre meetings every saturday. and church every wednesday. so i can get God back to being number one in my life. where He is supposed to be.

thats about all i need to blog about. nothing negative now.. im making a positive change, and im super excited about it! 

depression...

again. im depressed. and i hate it. im back in it. and i dont know what it takes for me to be happy.. and i hate that. i feel unimportant. and useless. and hopless. and stupid. and ugly. i just dont know what to do other than cry.

tattoos.

so me and mark are going to go get tattoos together. and we will be together. i legit care about him, and love him. he was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i love him with all my heart. every bit of it. he is the best thing ive got. and i will be with him forever. idc what anyone says or thinks. he makes me happy! and that should be what people care about, is that he makes me happy. 

tireddddd

im so tired. and i wanna go to sleep, but i have a lot on my mind.

mom told me that if i even thought about speaking to mark then she would kick me out. i guess i was supposed to be scared of that... but im not. i love mark with everything i have in me. and ive been seeing him. idc what she says. she can get over it. mark is my world. and i will do anything it takes to keep him. and thats a promise. whether anyone believes me or not, mark is a good guy. he always tries to help people out. hes friendly to everyone. and hes a good guy. i love him to the moon and back. and im gonna be with him no matter what. if mom kicks me out well then she kicks me out. i really am to the point of not caring. she cant stop me from being with who i love. end of story. 

quotes...and some venting.

1. i was going to give you a nasty look, but i see you already have one.
2. face it... we're all in a prison known as life, with a death sentence, and no one will escape.
3. your words mean nothing to me, your actions say it all.
4. a boy spends his time looking for a girl to sleep with. a real man spends his time looking for the one worth waking up to.
5. everything in life is temporary. if things are going good, enjoy it. if things are going bad, dont worry, it cant last forever.
6. never chase them, quickly replace them. mistakes? nah, i cant retrace them. i just move on and quickly erase them.
7. fellas; cheating is for the weak. its for those who lack will power, for those who are immature, and inconsiderate.
8. is your goal worth your committment?
9. i was your cure, and you were my disease. i was saving you and you were killing me.
10. i prefer the naked truth than the best dressed lie.
11. I don't hate you, I never could. I don't regret meeting you, I never will. But I do regret our relationship. It destroyed our friendship.
12. Dont stress urself out worrying about why some1 didnt appreciate what they had when YOU tried & gave it all u had! Move on,they're the fool!
13. The feeling when I’m with you, right there, is the exact reason why I never gave up when everyone else said to stop trying.
14. Even if I had a thousand reasons to leave you, I'd still find one reason to fight for you..
15. Remember... You don't have to turn and look at every DOG that barks at you...

 

 

i miss the way things were. the way things turned out... no im not happy with them. but i show everyone that im happy. maybe i am happy on the outside, but on the inside... im slowly dying. my heart hurts to wake up every morning knowing that mark and i arent together. it hurts my heart to wake up knowing im never gonna be anything but a waitress. it hurts to know im in debt at 19. it hurts to know that mark wont care and wont be there for me... i never sleep anymore because i tend to dream about mark and i. and all the crazy times we had together. and i wake up crying. but i go to sleep crying too. and there is nothing i can do to stop it. the tears they just come out. and i cant stop them. they just keep rolling down my face and they show me how much i cared. and i would risk getting kicked out of my house to be back with mark. just see if things could work. i hate the way my life is going. it sucks. im not in school. i dont have a great job, but it pays. it seems like all i can think about it negative. but i know God has a plan for my life. i know he does. i can feel it. but what that plan is? i couldnt tell you. i cant even begin to imagine where i will be in ten years. will i be married? divorced? a college graduate? or still a waitress? will i be moved away from bama? will i have a kid or kids? will i still be distant with my dad? will my dad even be here? i may not be able to answer those questions, but God knows. and he knows my life story. he knows how things are supposed to go, but with they way im going.. who knows. all i can do is pray. and make sure my life is on track.

 

night.

today.

today... i felt like a new person. im starting to feel better. hopefully im out of this rut ive been in. maybe im starting to see the sun shine more so to say. i know God is working on me, i can feel it. and i cant explain the joy that brings me. im starting to be me again. and i love it.



really?

of all the people i thought i could trust.... kyle is the one who messed up my trust for me. he told me that he was here for me, well where is he now? he told me that i should try again and see how things go with us. where is he now? he told me he was sorry, and that he wouldnt be talking to me anymore. i told him that hes right. thats exactly what he is... sorry. a piece of shit that is never gonna be anything or anyone. how can someone just treat someone like that and not give a damn about how it feels to them or the person they hurt? how can he live knowing that he broke my heart. and left me with nothing but the pieces of it? i know why he can live with it.. because hes a low life. he is a loser. and a deadbeat. thats all he will ever be. im happy it went down like this. i hate him. and i hate to break it to him but karma is a bitch, and he will get his. i hope and pray that i am there to see it when it happens too.

goodnight.

you shoulda known what i was all about.

cause im the fucking king of the world.. :)

love that song!

so my life officially sucks. ive sat in my bed all day. the whole entire day. wtf. not having a job or any money really sucks. bc now i have no where to go cause i have no money to spend. and i miss being in a relationship. mark said i lied and some other bs.. but he doesnt really know what he had when he had me. but i guess he'll never know either. cause he will not be getting another chance. hope his trashy ass gf can help him out. hahah.

i sooo need something to do! ugh. i need a boyfriend, a hobby, a job! any of those would be amazing.

i think i have figured out what i want in a man. like legit.

-personality

-teeth (straight)

-attractive

-sober

-clean

-respectful

-willing

-happy

-trustworthy

-hopeful

-romantic

-sexy

-working

i think thats just some things i look for. but i mean i just wanna be happy. thats all im asking and i personally dont think that is too much to ask! 

sitting here feeling kinda crazy...

and its not just any crazy, its the kinda crazy when you love somebody..

im in a weird position and im not sure what to do... i am absolutely in love with kyle benton and would do anything to be with him. and he tells me he wont be with his girlfriend for much longer, but then tonight mark tells me and cristen that kyle is engaged... so that threw me off. and i miss mark, but i dont wanna be with him. i dont need him. he is addicted to pills and if we got married and had kids there would be no way that my kids would be around that.

i also got fired today. fml.

i dont deserve this life, id make the perfect wife.. but i know loves a sacrifice. who's gonna sacrifice for me and give me all their time?

"no more empty conversations, next time i will be totally sure. dont want the pain of falling in and out of love.. its more than my poor heart should endure. so i listen to all advice and remember the next time i cry"

im just back into my depression and having no where to turn to.

im back to wanting to cry myself to sleep every night. or take sleeping pills to help me sleep so i dont think about all the bs going on. im back to eating one time a day, if that. im back down to 94 lbs. i just always feel so upset. and i wanna cry all the time. sometimes i wish i could just trade lives with someone. and be done in this stupid state. i wanna move somewhere far away! and get away from this stupid hell hole. i have nothing here for me. NOTHING AT ALL.

but im going to watch the lying game and pass out!

night :) 

time to move on... once again.

mark broke up with me, for no reason.. and now he has a new girlfriend. and he broke up with me less than 5 hrs ago. i dont know what to do, or what to feel. i wanna get the hell away from here! im so over this stupid state and all the assholes it has to offer.

wellllll, tonight :)

tonight was a good night. i hung out with mark's sister.. cristen. she took me to dinner for my birthday and then we just chilled and watched a movie! she's cool to talk to, and we get along great! a bunch of drama went down tonight at mark's house, and i'm kinda mad i missed it... lol. i'm going to get another tattoo one day this week, and i'm pretty stoked about it! its gonna be so cute. yay.

well i guess im gonna go to sleep, since i do have to work in the morning.. lol. night!

Mark Alan Benton :)

so i am most definitely in love with my best friend.

Mark Benton has made me feel like no one

else has ever made me feel.

He is by far the best thing that has ever happened

to me! i love him to the moon and back.

i'm getting his racing number (712) tattooed

on my ankle, it's gonna be in roman numerals.

i am SUPER excited to show him this. he says i dont show that i really love him, but i think this will show him. and im pumped.

me and him got a new puppy tonight. he's a baby pit bull, his name is Homicide. :) he is the best puppy ever!

my baby and Homicide <3



in love and it feels so good

over the past month and a half, almost 2 months i have fallen in love... all over again, but this time with the most amazing guy. mark completes me in ways i didnt know i could be completed. he always keeps me laughing. and i can be myself around him. we always have a good time together.. whether we are laying in bed and cuddling and watching a movie, or we go out to the rock, or we go ride or just anything.. we have a good time. i love him. honestly. there isnt a doubt in my mind about this! just wanted to get it out there...

iMark Alan Benton



how did we let it get this far?

how did we let it get this far? i guess we'll never know. there is no definite answer to that question. all i know is im not sure this far is how i like it.

me and mark are doing great.. i think. some days he makes it seem like its going amazing then some nights, like tonight, its a different story. i just dont know anymore. only time can tell.

well im going to sleep, church in the morning! :)

back to the beginning

well im back to where i started, so to say. i went down to the beach to see kyle. the one guy i actually trusted and showed him how much i really did love him. i still love him with everything i have in me. but it just wasnt meant to be. i guess... he had been with another girl the whole time me and him were together. but thats ok.. i can be a big girl and handle it. i cried pretty much the rest of the weekend. i didnt wanna leave without him or without at least seeing him. it sucked, big time. it's a part of life though. and i cant do anything but make the best of it. it wasnt meant to be, so i have to move on and not think about him or anything that has to do with him. but now that im putting all this out there, i cant help but think about how much i miss and truly love him. he was my number one and i put my all into it. and i got hurt in the end. which is exactly opposite of what i thought would happen. i honestly felt that me and kyle would be together the rest of our lives. i had no doubt in my mind. and it burns me up inside to know that he could lie to my face. and not even care about it. i miss him so much, and i think about him all the time. even though i am dating his brother, kyle is always in the back of my mind. im about to cry now. :(

BUT on another note, im dating his brother.. i know it sounds sooo wrong, but i couldnt help myself. mark is different than kyle in SO many ways. mark will tell you like it is. and he isnt scared to raise his voice. he is loud, funny, and he likes to have a good time. although he has an addictive personality and he tends to do stupid stuff, im ok with it. it keeps me on my toes! and some of the things he does reminds me of kyle, and i wanna break down when i notice it, but i have to remind myself that mark and kyle are two totally different people, and i cant keep thinking about kyle when apparently he didnt want anything to do with me in the first place. and thats not an easy thing to realize after you have been off and on with one person for a year. but its all good, me and mark get along great. and he makes me smile... thats about all that matters anymore.  

me and mark's (kyle's) mom get along great, and she is fun to just sit down and talk to. me and mark have been together everyday since we met... hmmm...

but i do know that life has definitely been one hell of a ride here lately. i havent really known what to do at all times, but ive tried my hardest to make my life good for me. thats all i need to worry about at this time. im looking to find my own place, and hopefully get a better job. move on with my life. get my life started. its time i do that anyways.

im back to not eating.

i feel fat ALL the time.

and i hate it. but i guess i just gotta keep reminding myself to eat. its not easy though. trust me. not easy at all. and it sucks. big time. i eat at work, and i eat a snack. thats about it everyday. but i wanna stay small, and i feel like thats the best way to do it! so thats just how i handle it. i guess if it becomes a problem then hopefully some one will notice and help me out. but until then i will continue this not eating thing.

i guess that is about all i have to update on. nothing else really new going on here. just the same ole same ole. ya know.

goodnight!

"she's gonna break soon"

So I know that no one is perfect, but I continue to strive to be exactly that.. not so easy. i continually work on my image whether i dye my hair, or lose some weight. i continue to make sure i feel like im perfect.

i'm going down to the beach this weekend, to see kyle of course.. i just really want us to last. and make it forever. i love him with everything i have in me. but i guess time will tell if we're supposed to be together or not!

wellllll....

well me and kyle are doing great.. i miss him so much! he is BY FAR the best thing that has ever happened to me. :) i get to spend time with him the weekend of the 15th and it cant get here fast enough.

thats about all i got ta say :) night!

i loooove kyle :)

painful.

so here lately i felt like things were going good.... i thought brett and i had somehting, then i was back with kyle.. or so i thought. i dont know what to do anymore. i guess give up?

i also feel like im fat.. ive ran every day for a few days now. and i eat once a day. and thats it. i need to be smaller.... i feel like i should be anyways. ughhhhhhh.

im so confused......

so much to write about

well i havent really blogged much in a while. its been a whole month or more.. me and brett are doing good. he makes me laugh and smile. and i always have a good time with him. hes a sweetheart. i have really strong feelings for him, but im not gonna ruin it by telling him or anything. ive met his whole family and they are all so sweet :)

me and brooke are still bff. i love her to death. she can almost always help me figure out what to do in a bad situation.

well im kinda depressed right now, because im going to the beach June 10th thru the 17th. well brett leaves the 17th for florida and he'll be gone 3 weeks.... that means a whole MONTH with no brett :( kinda upset. he might be getting a job down there then that means i will be moving down there. :)

thats about all!

army wives tonight :)

catch up, like always.

im always so busy, and dont have time to blog.. so i had one of the best easter's ive had in a while.. i met a chill guy, Somer.. he's pretty cool! but i also hung out with kevin. who i miss terribly. i love him with every thing i have in me!

i ended things with kyle, because i deserve better!

so i havent blogged in a minute.

soo im backkkk.

and im single. i broke up with kyle, and im happier. weird. but i cant put my all into it, and him put half of his all. it isnt fair.

ive been chillin with brett, and hes ight. so far.

i get to see chris granger tomorrow, excited!

and david... hmm no words to explain him.

4/12/11

so ive been playing around with a ouija board, and seeing what i can do with it. im excited. its fun. and it works. legit. i wanna have an OBE but idk if it will work. guess we'll see.

so the more that i think about it, the more i miss kevin stephens every day. he was my life, my everything. and then it was over. it all happened so fast i didnt know what to do. and now he seems happy, and i cant stand it. i hate his gf. every bit of her. i love him to death, and would do anything for him. ANYTHING. if he were about to be killed i would jump in front of him. like kevin was my first true love, and i hope we are brought back together at some point soon. i would die if that happened. i would be super happy. anytime i think of him, i smile. and i can hear him saying, "Emily, i love you. you know you are gonna be mine forever... right?" and it makes me wanna cry.. cause he was the best thing to ever happen to me. i wish i knew what i know now, back when we were together. i think life would be so much easier. i could re-do somethings i wish i didnt do, and things i wish i did do. but i cant do that.

night.

back to the old ways.

today WAS a good day. i hung out with cade, then went to my aunts bday dinner... and back to cade's. well he left me in his room, and didnt come back. and hasnt said anything to me. whatever eff it. im done with it..

i think i use kyle as a security blanket. he's always there. NO MATTER WHAT.
for example tonight, on my way to Brooke's. he called me just to tell me he loves me. and would do anything for me. and it made my night a little better. just little things he does makes me happy. but i really feel like im falling back into my depression. and i cant do this. i just cant. i have got to move, or do something different. i hate living like this. it goes from being tired of living and scared of dying.... to tired of living, and not so much scared to die. sometimes i pray that its my day to go and that something happens where i can go be with God. life would be so much easier if i didnt live. im not living pretty much anyways. cause i am always upset. and crying. and mad. i feel like i have no reason to live. and every time i feel like i might have met a good guy they always end up like my dad and they leave. and i hate it. i dont get why it ALWAYS happens to me? why me? everytime? is it really that necessary for me to get hurt every time? for me to always end up depressed and heartbroken? i dont understand, and i dont think i ever will.

ughhhhh. im done.

night.

catch up.

soo i need to catch things up.. ive been hanging out with lyndsay a lot. i love her to death. me and kyle are still together but some days i wonder why. i love him to death, i really do.. and i know i would love to spend my forever with him, i just dont know if i can. ive been hanging out with cade, and hes pretty chill. i actually laugh around him..

i deactivated my facebook, because there is so much on there.. and im tired of having one. lol.

work is going good, and i still enjoy it.

school is NOT for me. i think im gonna go talk to an air force recruiter about taking my asvab and seeing what i can do with that. i need to get away from here. asap.

im not soo depressed anymore. im happy to an extent. some days i feel great and others i would love to just lay in bed and cry. but there's nothing i can do about it.

thats about it!

night yall :)

time to catch you up.

welllll i went to the beach march 17th-20th. and then i went back the 25th and 26th. well while i was down there i met a really awesome guy, Brad Deurwachter. he's super hott, and nice. and he knows how to be respectful. there's only one problem..... he lives in wisconsin. and i hate it. but me and Lyndsay are making a road trip to visit him this summer. i cant wait! i really just wanna move there, or the beach.. idk which yet.

last night me and lyndsay went to Amber's going away party. it was pretty fun.

i really wish i was anywhere but here!

this is brad....

hes sooooo sweet and cute! i miss him. :/

back, and i hate it.

sooo ive been in panama city since thursday.. and it sucks to be home. i met some pretty cool people. brad was one of them.. he's sweet, and sooo caring. BUT he lives in freaking wisconsin. we saw a pretty bad wreck. a million people get arrested. went out every night. had a ton of fun. im so ready to go back. :)


me, lyndsay, and alex are making a road trip to wisconsin. and im pumped! its gonna be legit.

i love kyle, like always. and i missed him while i was at the beach. ughhh.

i have no phone either. it fell in the toilet. :/

march 14, 2011

im sitting at brooke's watching her cook.. lol. while waiting on kyle to hurry up and skype me back.

i love him.

end of story.

march 13, 2011

soooo ive been talking to kyle again, although i said i never would.. i have gotta go with my heart telling me that i love him and not my head saying no.. i love him. end of story.

blah blah blah

so i have a lot to talk about.... so here goes..

well lately i cant even begin to describe how i feel. my moods change from happy to sad just at the drop of a pencil. and i dont know why. i hate the way my life is going right now. i dont have a relationship like i want with my dad, but im too scared to speak up and say something to him about it. me and my mom dont talk as much as we used to. and i hate that too. i pray everyday God will send me the man i will spend my for better or worse with. but that doesnt seem like it'll happen any time soon. i just know josh isnt the one for me. and i wanna end it but i also wanna give it time. i just dont know what to do anymore. i cry for every little thing. today is the first day in two weeks i havent cried. and im sure i will before i go to sleep. and i dont like feeling this way. i pray to God that my life turns around and i find happiness again, and that he'll lead me in the direction he wants me to go in. and some days i dont think i'll ever find happiness. EVER. and here come the tears. once again for NO REASON AT ALL.

i thank God for Bethany everyday. she tells me exactly how it is and how it should be. and things to help me feel better about myself. this is what she sent me the other day after i told her my sweet dog, Allie, passed away... "i'm here if you need me. just keep your head up. sometimes everything has to fall apart so you can start over fresh and new. youre gonna make it through all of this. youre strong and we both know God isnt gonna give you more than you can handle. youre gonna make it and your gonna be stronger than before. i love you so much! dont fret the small things like these stupid guys. know that your dog is finally resting because she was so tired. when you think you cant go on, God and even me are here. like i said, youre strong and youre gonna make it. i believe that with everything i have in me." made me cry. she always knows what to say to help me have happiness for atleast a few minutes.
i love her sooo much.

i am so thankful that i have Brooke in my life. she somehow always knows what to say and how to help me out in sticky situations. maybe cause she's older and wiser. and has been through it all. i love her to death!

but im still stuck on trying to figure out what i want, and who i want to be. i dont know where God is leading.. or if im even on the right path.

i know this sounds crazy, but i seriously think im depressed. i really do. when i tell people that they just laugh at me. and tell me im stupid... and that makes me cry. cause when someone says something like that, even if theyre joking, i take it to heart. i know i shouldnt but i do. and i know i am, but you dont have to jokingly tell me. cause it upsets me and makes my self esteem go way back down. i know i shouldnt let anything like that get to me, but i do.

also yesterday i got told the reason i hurt so much and am always upset is cause i let people walk all over me. i dont believe it, i guess... but ive thought about that all day... and ive cried about it. i dont think i let people walk all over me. but i guess im wrong. once again.

oh well.
im gonna get on twitter. and try to get some sleep.
gotta work tomorrow.
night yall.

sooo

im tired of trying and scared of dying. dont know what to do.

josh carelli......

makes me smileeee. he took me to the justin bieber movie tonight, which was pretty good :) i was happy cause i got to go with him! when he kisses me i get butterflies... im ready to see him again :)

night!

lead me...

right now im at a time in my life where i dont know where im going or if where im going is right. i dont know what i should be doing or how i should be doing it. i am so stuck in life, and i really dont like to be this confused. it sucks. big time. i just need my Jesus to lead me into the right direction. cause i dont know where or why im going anywhere. and it is awful.

i spent some time with my love brooke tonight. she is the best friend anyone could ask for. in all time.

and i really like someone. and i cant tell anyone cause it can cause some problems. and i hate it.

my life sucks.

the end.

night

-emily.

since my last post....

a lot has happened.. and i wasnt happy about it.. but now im so happy it happened! kyle and i were good, and on the i love you terms.. and when i went to get my hair done i got a text saying she was kyle's girlfriend not to talk to him anymore, and this was around 430 well i cried all night. til around nine. he called and told me it was his sister who said she didnt like me so she "got rid of me" i was like wtf. really. wow. well then i got josh carelli to come over, and he is super cute. and sweet. not gonna get my hopes up, but i am gonna see where it goes! night :) me and lucy are out!

im seriously in love with kyle.

you've had me since hello. nothing will ever change that. not distance, not space. nothing will ever take my heart away from you.

'I love you' means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or too tired to do things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with. I love you means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, hoping you feel the same way for me.

"Find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." ~ Juno

thats all for tonight! gotta work in the morning, and make sure my love is awake so he can get his butt here to me! goodnight :)

kyle benton.

so im on skype with Kyle, and i freakin miss him! he's "supposed" to be here tomorrow.. guess we'll see! if he came and asked me to marry him tomorrow i would def say yes. no doubt about it. im so ready for marriage and starting my life.. growing old with someone. dont ask me why, but i just am. i love him. and i have this strong feeling we could spend our forever together.

night! :)

here lately.

ive been stressed and constantly in tears. i strongly feel like its God working on my heart. i seriously need it. i feel like without God i wouldnt be where i am today. and i know he is doing some MAJOR changing with me. and i really thank Him for it. ive been waking up in tears for no reason... and i hate it. but i know God isnt gonna put me through anything i cant handle. but im going to sleep.


                                                                            goodnight :)

feb. 15th

today was pretty good. i made some good money in tips. but im super tired. i gotta make a test up tomorrow.

im thinking its time to start over. new. end things with kyle for good. i dont really find it worth it. at all. but i think corey could have potential. 

thats all. night.

single awareness day :)

i dont know why, and i dont think i will ever know why God took all the great people away from me. but thats ok. i know it was for a good reason. i miss my paw and grandaddy so much. its awful. my paw always knew how to make me smile. i was his em. and i always will be. i love him more than words can describe. i wish he was here to see me now. but i know he is watching over me at all times. my paw was one of the greatest people i know. i miss him. so much. he always knew what to say. and i wish he were still here to keep my dad in line. but i know he cant be here. and my dad will never change. so i gotta deal with it. my paw would probably be praising me for continuing school and working. god do i miss him. i wonder what life would be like if he were here? i wonder what he woulda gotten maw for valentines day? i wonder hoow he would feel bout his daughters open heart surgery? would he like robin? would dad be cleaner if paw were still here? would maw be happier? would jordan be acting ok? and not acting like he's 18 already? would tyler be happier? would aunt terri be closer? i have all these questions that wont be answered because he is in Heaven making it happier. if thats possible..

and my grandaddy... i miss him so much. i know my mom misses him more than she would ever let anyone believe. i just remember the day my mom called me to tell me that he had passed away. i remember breaking down cause i really didnt think it was his time. i really miss him too. and our trips to andalusia. and all the times we spent together. he might not have shown it but he loved all of us kids with everything in him. i wonder if he's happy ray is outta our lives? i wonder how paulina and jasmine would be if they still lived with him? i wonder if he woulda updated his house any? would he let paulina date now? i wonder if he would still give mom money to pick out our Christmas presents every year from him? would he be super proud of aunt sissy for being clean? and having a job? would he still be doing plumbing? i miss him so much...

ive been asked a few times if i could see a person just one more time who would it be? it would def be my pawpaw and grandaddy. i love them more than words can describe and i really just wanna see them now. i know they are super proud of me, even though they arent here to tell me. and hug and kiss me. i just wanna talk to them one more time. i would love to get a phone call from them just them calling to say i love and miss you. that would be so amazing just to hear their voices ONE more time. oh my.

i remember the day i got my drivers license was so close to right after my grandaddy died, and i called his phone to tell him i got it! i was so excited and wanted him to know. and when i heard his answering machine i broke down. he was the best grandaddy ever. i know he is continually watching over and protecting me.

i remember the day my paw died... i was in the shower and i was only a seventh grader... mom came and got me outta the shower so my mawmaw could tell me the bad news, it really didnt hit me until the visitation. i almost died. i remember him so well..

the last few times i saw my paw i can describe so well...

--time 1- i went to their house to take my brother's gameboy to him. my paw was sitting in the recliner twirling his glasses in his hand. i had on vans. he was happy and smiling. i miss that smile.
--time 2- he was in the hospital. just in a regular room. i had braces with orange and green rubber bands on them.
--time 3- he was in the icu at the hospital. you have to be 17 to go back there and i was only in the 7th grade. but my dad, tyler, and older brother cameron snuck me back there. paw was asleep. and he had staples going up his leg from surgery. he grabbed my hand and said i love you em. i will never forget this!
--time 4- he was dead. and mawmaw was about to have a heart attack cause the people at the funeral home didnt fix his hair the right way. which paw would have been mad too. he has a picture of me from 7th grade in his casket with him.. if only he could see me now!

grandaddy
--time 1- all the times we spent together. i wont forget a time we had. from the lint being a bug. to the times we drove to andalusia.
--time 2- in the hospital the few days before he died.
--time 3- in his casket. it was so AWFUL. ive never missed anyone more than him at this point in time.

i love them both so so so so so much.

well thats about it. gotta go to sleep. work tomorrow. night.