blah blah blah

so i have a lot to talk about.... so here goes..

well lately i cant even begin to describe how i feel. my moods change from happy to sad just at the drop of a pencil. and i dont know why. i hate the way my life is going right now. i dont have a relationship like i want with my dad, but im too scared to speak up and say something to him about it. me and my mom dont talk as much as we used to. and i hate that too. i pray everyday God will send me the man i will spend my for better or worse with. but that doesnt seem like it'll happen any time soon. i just know josh isnt the one for me. and i wanna end it but i also wanna give it time. i just dont know what to do anymore. i cry for every little thing. today is the first day in two weeks i havent cried. and im sure i will before i go to sleep. and i dont like feeling this way. i pray to God that my life turns around and i find happiness again, and that he'll lead me in the direction he wants me to go in. and some days i dont think i'll ever find happiness. EVER. and here come the tears. once again for NO REASON AT ALL.

i thank God for Bethany everyday. she tells me exactly how it is and how it should be. and things to help me feel better about myself. this is what she sent me the other day after i told her my sweet dog, Allie, passed away... "i'm here if you need me. just keep your head up. sometimes everything has to fall apart so you can start over fresh and new. youre gonna make it through all of this. youre strong and we both know God isnt gonna give you more than you can handle. youre gonna make it and your gonna be stronger than before. i love you so much! dont fret the small things like these stupid guys. know that your dog is finally resting because she was so tired. when you think you cant go on, God and even me are here. like i said, youre strong and youre gonna make it. i believe that with everything i have in me." made me cry. she always knows what to say to help me have happiness for atleast a few minutes.
i love her sooo much.

i am so thankful that i have Brooke in my life. she somehow always knows what to say and how to help me out in sticky situations. maybe cause she's older and wiser. and has been through it all. i love her to death!

but im still stuck on trying to figure out what i want, and who i want to be. i dont know where God is leading.. or if im even on the right path.

i know this sounds crazy, but i seriously think im depressed. i really do. when i tell people that they just laugh at me. and tell me im stupid... and that makes me cry. cause when someone says something like that, even if theyre joking, i take it to heart. i know i shouldnt but i do. and i know i am, but you dont have to jokingly tell me. cause it upsets me and makes my self esteem go way back down. i know i shouldnt let anything like that get to me, but i do.

also yesterday i got told the reason i hurt so much and am always upset is cause i let people walk all over me. i dont believe it, i guess... but ive thought about that all day... and ive cried about it. i dont think i let people walk all over me. but i guess im wrong. once again.

oh well.
im gonna get on twitter. and try to get some sleep.
gotta work tomorrow.
night yall.