single awareness day :)

i dont know why, and i dont think i will ever know why God took all the great people away from me. but thats ok. i know it was for a good reason. i miss my paw and grandaddy so much. its awful. my paw always knew how to make me smile. i was his em. and i always will be. i love him more than words can describe. i wish he was here to see me now. but i know he is watching over me at all times. my paw was one of the greatest people i know. i miss him. so much. he always knew what to say. and i wish he were still here to keep my dad in line. but i know he cant be here. and my dad will never change. so i gotta deal with it. my paw would probably be praising me for continuing school and working. god do i miss him. i wonder what life would be like if he were here? i wonder what he woulda gotten maw for valentines day? i wonder hoow he would feel bout his daughters open heart surgery? would he like robin? would dad be cleaner if paw were still here? would maw be happier? would jordan be acting ok? and not acting like he's 18 already? would tyler be happier? would aunt terri be closer? i have all these questions that wont be answered because he is in Heaven making it happier. if thats possible..

and my grandaddy... i miss him so much. i know my mom misses him more than she would ever let anyone believe. i just remember the day my mom called me to tell me that he had passed away. i remember breaking down cause i really didnt think it was his time. i really miss him too. and our trips to andalusia. and all the times we spent together. he might not have shown it but he loved all of us kids with everything in him. i wonder if he's happy ray is outta our lives? i wonder how paulina and jasmine would be if they still lived with him? i wonder if he woulda updated his house any? would he let paulina date now? i wonder if he would still give mom money to pick out our Christmas presents every year from him? would he be super proud of aunt sissy for being clean? and having a job? would he still be doing plumbing? i miss him so much...

ive been asked a few times if i could see a person just one more time who would it be? it would def be my pawpaw and grandaddy. i love them more than words can describe and i really just wanna see them now. i know they are super proud of me, even though they arent here to tell me. and hug and kiss me. i just wanna talk to them one more time. i would love to get a phone call from them just them calling to say i love and miss you. that would be so amazing just to hear their voices ONE more time. oh my.

i remember the day i got my drivers license was so close to right after my grandaddy died, and i called his phone to tell him i got it! i was so excited and wanted him to know. and when i heard his answering machine i broke down. he was the best grandaddy ever. i know he is continually watching over and protecting me.

i remember the day my paw died... i was in the shower and i was only a seventh grader... mom came and got me outta the shower so my mawmaw could tell me the bad news, it really didnt hit me until the visitation. i almost died. i remember him so well..

the last few times i saw my paw i can describe so well...

--time 1- i went to their house to take my brother's gameboy to him. my paw was sitting in the recliner twirling his glasses in his hand. i had on vans. he was happy and smiling. i miss that smile.
--time 2- he was in the hospital. just in a regular room. i had braces with orange and green rubber bands on them.
--time 3- he was in the icu at the hospital. you have to be 17 to go back there and i was only in the 7th grade. but my dad, tyler, and older brother cameron snuck me back there. paw was asleep. and he had staples going up his leg from surgery. he grabbed my hand and said i love you em. i will never forget this!
--time 4- he was dead. and mawmaw was about to have a heart attack cause the people at the funeral home didnt fix his hair the right way. which paw would have been mad too. he has a picture of me from 7th grade in his casket with him.. if only he could see me now!

grandaddy
--time 1- all the times we spent together. i wont forget a time we had. from the lint being a bug. to the times we drove to andalusia.
--time 2- in the hospital the few days before he died.
--time 3- in his casket. it was so AWFUL. ive never missed anyone more than him at this point in time.

i love them both so so so so so much.

well thats about it. gotta go to sleep. work tomorrow. night.