back to the old ways.

today WAS a good day. i hung out with cade, then went to my aunts bday dinner... and back to cade's. well he left me in his room, and didnt come back. and hasnt said anything to me. whatever eff it. im done with it..

i think i use kyle as a security blanket. he's always there. NO MATTER WHAT.
for example tonight, on my way to Brooke's. he called me just to tell me he loves me. and would do anything for me. and it made my night a little better. just little things he does makes me happy. but i really feel like im falling back into my depression. and i cant do this. i just cant. i have got to move, or do something different. i hate living like this. it goes from being tired of living and scared of dying.... to tired of living, and not so much scared to die. sometimes i pray that its my day to go and that something happens where i can go be with God. life would be so much easier if i didnt live. im not living pretty much anyways. cause i am always upset. and crying. and mad. i feel like i have no reason to live. and every time i feel like i might have met a good guy they always end up like my dad and they leave. and i hate it. i dont get why it ALWAYS happens to me? why me? everytime? is it really that necessary for me to get hurt every time? for me to always end up depressed and heartbroken? i dont understand, and i dont think i ever will.

ughhhhh. im done.

night.