back to the beginning

well im back to where i started, so to say. i went down to the beach to see kyle. the one guy i actually trusted and showed him how much i really did love him. i still love him with everything i have in me. but it just wasnt meant to be. i guess... he had been with another girl the whole time me and him were together. but thats ok.. i can be a big girl and handle it. i cried pretty much the rest of the weekend. i didnt wanna leave without him or without at least seeing him. it sucked, big time. it's a part of life though. and i cant do anything but make the best of it. it wasnt meant to be, so i have to move on and not think about him or anything that has to do with him. but now that im putting all this out there, i cant help but think about how much i miss and truly love him. he was my number one and i put my all into it. and i got hurt in the end. which is exactly opposite of what i thought would happen. i honestly felt that me and kyle would be together the rest of our lives. i had no doubt in my mind. and it burns me up inside to know that he could lie to my face. and not even care about it. i miss him so much, and i think about him all the time. even though i am dating his brother, kyle is always in the back of my mind. im about to cry now. :(

BUT on another note, im dating his brother.. i know it sounds sooo wrong, but i couldnt help myself. mark is different than kyle in SO many ways. mark will tell you like it is. and he isnt scared to raise his voice. he is loud, funny, and he likes to have a good time. although he has an addictive personality and he tends to do stupid stuff, im ok with it. it keeps me on my toes! and some of the things he does reminds me of kyle, and i wanna break down when i notice it, but i have to remind myself that mark and kyle are two totally different people, and i cant keep thinking about kyle when apparently he didnt want anything to do with me in the first place. and thats not an easy thing to realize after you have been off and on with one person for a year. but its all good, me and mark get along great. and he makes me smile... thats about all that matters anymore.  

me and mark's (kyle's) mom get along great, and she is fun to just sit down and talk to. me and mark have been together everyday since we met... hmmm...

but i do know that life has definitely been one hell of a ride here lately. i havent really known what to do at all times, but ive tried my hardest to make my life good for me. thats all i need to worry about at this time. im looking to find my own place, and hopefully get a better job. move on with my life. get my life started. its time i do that anyways.

im back to not eating.

i feel fat ALL the time.

and i hate it. but i guess i just gotta keep reminding myself to eat. its not easy though. trust me. not easy at all. and it sucks. big time. i eat at work, and i eat a snack. thats about it everyday. but i wanna stay small, and i feel like thats the best way to do it! so thats just how i handle it. i guess if it becomes a problem then hopefully some one will notice and help me out. but until then i will continue this not eating thing.

i guess that is about all i have to update on. nothing else really new going on here. just the same ole same ole. ya know.

goodnight!