here i go thinking again...

just when it seems like i can get mark off of my mind... he comes creeping right back in and i hate it. ive been having dreams about him. and i'll be so happy for a week or so, then i go right back to hating life. it's so hard, and i dont understand it at all. i dont wanna be here, i dont wanna live anymore. but for some reason, God has a purpose for me. i just wish i knew what it was. i cry myself to sleep every night. i always down myself on either how i look, how much i weigh, or my past. i feel like im never going to be good enough for anyone. mostly because of my past. i need help. end of story.

goodnight.

im breaking down.

i never knew i could miss someone so much. until now. its mark's bday and he's in florida.. and he is supposed to be in court today.. which he wont be. so he will have a warrant for his arrest out. i want him to be a better person, i know he can be! God,  i love him so much more than he deserves. but he makes me happy. and for some reason i cannot quit thinking about him. and crying over him. or for him... idk which one. ughh my head is pounding ive been crying so much. i just wanna run my car off a bridge.. not to die. but to be put in a situation that someone will be there to take care of me. cause it seems like the more and more i try.. the less and less people are there for me. every day is a miracle that i wake up.

goodnight.

thinking...

i've been thinking a lot in the past thirty minutes. and when i think it isnt good. i miss the way things used to be. and the way things should be. the other night Aunt Tina told Shalene (right in front of me) that when Mark is sad and down he ALWAYS calls me first. not his mom, aunt tina, brother, or nana... me. and Josh tells me tonight that all Mark has ever talked about around him.. was me. why?! i dont understand. all he does is make me cry. cause i think about him almost every day. before i go to sleep and all day.  and his mom told me the other night that Mark keeps asking her who he needs to be with, and everytime she tells him me. and that makes things so much harder for me.

"Better That We Break"

I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby

Mark Alan...

He is my world. and i know im in love with Kevin too. but it's different kinds of love. Mark is who my heart longs for.

and as he blew my phone up (8 missed calls in 3 minutes) i rejected it... every time. and then he text me and said its mark answer plsss hrry. so he called back and i answered...

Mark called me tonight as he was overdosing on 60 xanex bars. and i think him telling me that he hates his life over and over kinda broke me down.. bc i love his life. and he kept telling me to pray for him, and not to worry he loves me. he said he hates his life bc he lost his car, bike, and the only girl he ever cared about. thats when i broke down. the tears just started to pour. he was crying, and so was i. he kept saying, "Emily i cant see anything, my hands are numb, and the room is gray" and i swear i think i had a mini heart attack. he started to cough, and i asked if he was ok. he said im just coughing up blood, its cool. im killing myself. you wont ever have to worry about me again. i said mark, thats the thing i worry about you everyday, because i love you. i seriously love you.

he started to cry and said i love you too Emily. i told him that God can use him and He has a purpose for his life. not to kill himself. i told him i would help out with $ for court. not a lot, but i could help some. and i told him that if he was gonna die to at least accept God into his heart. and believe that when he did die that it was going to be very real. Heaven or Hell. his choice. he said im not ready for that. so i just said ok. what else am i supposed to say?

then his mom came into the room and shoved 6 charcoal pills down his throat. thank God!

im still crying as i write this, because i dont want someone who was my best friend, and boyfriend to die. or to think he is worthless. when in all reality... he is so worthy to me. he is like a diamond in the rough. and i can help him, and witness to him. maybe even change his life.

i wrote him a letter, and mailed it off Monday.

and thats why he called right after he took all those xanex bars.

bc he couldnt stop reading that letter over and over again.

well after tonight... its been a rough one to say the least. but hopefully things will all be ok in the morning.

i thank God everyday for everyone He has put in my life, and everyone He has taken out of my life. and i know God is continually blessing me! every second of every day. and for that i am truly grateful.

He has given me Lindsay.. she is an awesome friend and person. and i never express my feelings to her... or anyone. but i love her to death. she has been there for me over the past little while more than my two "best friends" have been. and i am so thankful for her. super excited for ATL this weekend!

Dock... where to even start with him? lol. he's pretty awesome. and i think that God is using him in ways he doesnt even know yet..and i know Dock is gonna do great things. and i cant wait to see what those things might be!!

P. Ric is the most awesome youth pastor EVER. every week listening to him preach i just feel like its directed to me! even though its just in general.... when i miss church, i feel like im lost. and something just isnt right. i love everything P.Ric has done for the teenagers of this city. and mostly i love him for everything he has done for me. Tiff too! she is awesome. and i always know i can talk to her about ANYTHING.

mommy- she is an awesome, beautiful, strong, caring person. even though sometimes we fight and she makes me wanna slip up... i still love her. with everything i have! without her i wouldnt be where i am today. and i am so thankful for her.

BubbyLove<3 - Ethan is the best little brother anyone could ask for. i love him to the moon and back. and i am so thankful God put us 10 years apart. we are so close, and he looks up to me. and that just makes me wanna be a better person!

last but not least, he gave me Mark. and i thank Him for sending me Mark every day. i continually pray over him. and i pray that one day he sees the good in himself that i see in him. i love Mark with all the little broken pieces of my heart.. i mean come on, i have his racing number tattooed on me. and i honestly dont want to cover it up. bc i know deep down one day i will be waking up next to him for the rest of my life. i dont know why he chose me to call tonight, but it was all a part of God's plan. for me to be able to witness to him. i love Mark to death <3

i know that im not perfect, just forgiven <3

say your prayers!

pray for:

mark

clay's son

mrs angie

me

my dad

and all

of the sick,

heartbroken, hurt,

addicted, angry,

hateful, stressed, disappointed,

and mean people of the world.

goodnight! :)

Mark Alan Benton <3

Lindsay <3

my sweet bubbylove <3

Mommy <3