since my last post....

a lot has happened.. and i wasnt happy about it.. but now im so happy it happened! kyle and i were good, and on the i love you terms.. and when i went to get my hair done i got a text saying she was kyle's girlfriend not to talk to him anymore, and this was around 430 well i cried all night. til around nine. he called and told me it was his sister who said she didnt like me so she "got rid of me" i was like wtf. really. wow. well then i got josh carelli to come over, and he is super cute. and sweet. not gonna get my hopes up, but i am gonna see where it goes! night :) me and lucy are out!

im seriously in love with kyle.

you've had me since hello. nothing will ever change that. not distance, not space. nothing will ever take my heart away from you.

'I love you' means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or too tired to do things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with. I love you means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, hoping you feel the same way for me.

"Find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." ~ Juno

thats all for tonight! gotta work in the morning, and make sure my love is awake so he can get his butt here to me! goodnight :)

kyle benton.

so im on skype with Kyle, and i freakin miss him! he's "supposed" to be here tomorrow.. guess we'll see! if he came and asked me to marry him tomorrow i would def say yes. no doubt about it. im so ready for marriage and starting my life.. growing old with someone. dont ask me why, but i just am. i love him. and i have this strong feeling we could spend our forever together.

night! :)

here lately.

ive been stressed and constantly in tears. i strongly feel like its God working on my heart. i seriously need it. i feel like without God i wouldnt be where i am today. and i know he is doing some MAJOR changing with me. and i really thank Him for it. ive been waking up in tears for no reason... and i hate it. but i know God isnt gonna put me through anything i cant handle. but im going to sleep.


                                                                            goodnight :)

feb. 15th

today was pretty good. i made some good money in tips. but im super tired. i gotta make a test up tomorrow.

im thinking its time to start over. new. end things with kyle for good. i dont really find it worth it. at all. but i think corey could have potential. 

thats all. night.

single awareness day :)

i dont know why, and i dont think i will ever know why God took all the great people away from me. but thats ok. i know it was for a good reason. i miss my paw and grandaddy so much. its awful. my paw always knew how to make me smile. i was his em. and i always will be. i love him more than words can describe. i wish he was here to see me now. but i know he is watching over me at all times. my paw was one of the greatest people i know. i miss him. so much. he always knew what to say. and i wish he were still here to keep my dad in line. but i know he cant be here. and my dad will never change. so i gotta deal with it. my paw would probably be praising me for continuing school and working. god do i miss him. i wonder what life would be like if he were here? i wonder what he woulda gotten maw for valentines day? i wonder hoow he would feel bout his daughters open heart surgery? would he like robin? would dad be cleaner if paw were still here? would maw be happier? would jordan be acting ok? and not acting like he's 18 already? would tyler be happier? would aunt terri be closer? i have all these questions that wont be answered because he is in Heaven making it happier. if thats possible..

and my grandaddy... i miss him so much. i know my mom misses him more than she would ever let anyone believe. i just remember the day my mom called me to tell me that he had passed away. i remember breaking down cause i really didnt think it was his time. i really miss him too. and our trips to andalusia. and all the times we spent together. he might not have shown it but he loved all of us kids with everything in him. i wonder if he's happy ray is outta our lives? i wonder how paulina and jasmine would be if they still lived with him? i wonder if he woulda updated his house any? would he let paulina date now? i wonder if he would still give mom money to pick out our Christmas presents every year from him? would he be super proud of aunt sissy for being clean? and having a job? would he still be doing plumbing? i miss him so much...

ive been asked a few times if i could see a person just one more time who would it be? it would def be my pawpaw and grandaddy. i love them more than words can describe and i really just wanna see them now. i know they are super proud of me, even though they arent here to tell me. and hug and kiss me. i just wanna talk to them one more time. i would love to get a phone call from them just them calling to say i love and miss you. that would be so amazing just to hear their voices ONE more time. oh my.

i remember the day i got my drivers license was so close to right after my grandaddy died, and i called his phone to tell him i got it! i was so excited and wanted him to know. and when i heard his answering machine i broke down. he was the best grandaddy ever. i know he is continually watching over and protecting me.

i remember the day my paw died... i was in the shower and i was only a seventh grader... mom came and got me outta the shower so my mawmaw could tell me the bad news, it really didnt hit me until the visitation. i almost died. i remember him so well..

the last few times i saw my paw i can describe so well...

--time 1- i went to their house to take my brother's gameboy to him. my paw was sitting in the recliner twirling his glasses in his hand. i had on vans. he was happy and smiling. i miss that smile.
--time 2- he was in the hospital. just in a regular room. i had braces with orange and green rubber bands on them.
--time 3- he was in the icu at the hospital. you have to be 17 to go back there and i was only in the 7th grade. but my dad, tyler, and older brother cameron snuck me back there. paw was asleep. and he had staples going up his leg from surgery. he grabbed my hand and said i love you em. i will never forget this!
--time 4- he was dead. and mawmaw was about to have a heart attack cause the people at the funeral home didnt fix his hair the right way. which paw would have been mad too. he has a picture of me from 7th grade in his casket with him.. if only he could see me now!

grandaddy
--time 1- all the times we spent together. i wont forget a time we had. from the lint being a bug. to the times we drove to andalusia.
--time 2- in the hospital the few days before he died.
--time 3- in his casket. it was so AWFUL. ive never missed anyone more than him at this point in time.

i love them both so so so so so much.

well thats about it. gotta go to sleep. work tomorrow. night.

broken .

i am broken. hurt. used. i feel like im not a whole. especially since valentines day is here, and i have no one to say is mine. thats all i want. i dont see why its so hard to get. i hate it.

my best friend, bethany .

so my best friend , bethany , is FREAKING AMAZING . i love her to death . she helped me out tonight when i didnt know the words to say to Kyle . she helped me a lot in this situation . i freaking love her to death . God gave her to me as my best friend for a reason ! i know that for a fact . well im gonna skype with her for a few more minutes then im going to sleep ! got work bright and early tomorrow morning :)  

so yeah.

so im gonna be single for the rest of my life . thats a promise .

giving up once again.

it seems like no matter how hard i try i always find myself back to my point of giving up . and i dont like that point . i just wanna be happy , and settling down . i just want to be ok with life , not always dissappointed with it . i hate dissappoinment , but it seems to FOLLOW me around . and i dont know why ? it just sucks . i know God has someone waiting for me , but i'd like to find him now instead of when im fifty . oh well . thats all i gotta blog about tonight . good night .

alexxxx . :)

sooooo ,

i went and met up with Alex tonight . he was my waiter last night , and i gave him my number . he's sweet , and pretty cool . and he wants to take me to lunch . so it should be fun . i feel somewhat better , but i am still in pain . so i'm bout to lay down and try to sleep through the pain . hopefully it works . goodnight :)

feb 7, 2011

second day of work = success . :) i like it . its a lot but its good . ive been hurting all day today and most of last night . its like right by my appendix . so i dont know what it is . i'll prob go get it looked at tomorrow .  i really just wanna go to sleep . i dont wanna go to class :/ i got to see Kolby last night , which was good . he has a lot to prove if i ever talk talk to him . but he says he will . guess we will sseeee . butttttt im bout to go to class in a few minutes . blog later if i dont go home and go to sleep . 

super bowl sunday.

today is super bowl sunday . me and Ashley are trying to figure out what we're gonna do for it . so far , nothing . we went to church this morning , and went to eat at the Wagon Wheel Too . got home , cleaned my car and room . :)

now we're just hanging around . not doing anything .

blog later :)

cakie cake :)

i've been with Ashley (Dinkier) all weekend , and we really have become good friends . we talk to a lot of the same people and we have a lot in common ! we made a cake last night , and we didnt have icing , so we re-did it tonight !

gossip girl marathon :)

feb. 3, 2011

sooo, today hasnt been good or bad. i'm stressed, upset, happy, used, hurt, hated, loved, loving, and all kinds of feelings are going through my head. and heart. its too my breaking point again. ughh, i hate it. i am so confused. ughh i dont even know why. i think i just attach myself to people to soon. and idk why i do it, i just do! but im gonna shower and clean my room. im over life. and drama. it just sucks right now. ugh....

its about that time to pray.



today is a new day.

today is a new day. and im pretty happy. even though i didnt wake up til 3 :) but i wanna see mattttt! but i guess i will soon. oh and i start training at peyton's place friday! i cant wait :) informal is this weekend too. hmm its gonna be a good rest of the week. :)

i hate you.

kyle steven benton is the biggest douche ever. i hate him with a firey passion. he ruined my good day. tells me he loves me and doesnt talk to me anymore, and blocked me on fb.. really?! grow up.

undecided.

i cant decide on whether to join a sorority or not. but i guess time will tell. i miss my bestie bethany so much, it sucks. im to my breaking point again. and i hate being at this point. but im gonna watch teen mom 2 and go to sleep. night.