Losing myself 💀

I once again have put myself in a shitty situation. I broke up with jason and started talking to a new guy. But he's hung up on his ex and I let myself actually start to care, even tho I said I wouldn't. I hate that I never feel good enough for people or that I'm not taken seriously. Like I literally put it all on the line jumping straight into something else and it seems like it was for nothing. I always find myself with the shit end of the stick... and I don't like it. I don't want to even be here anymore sometimes and I hate feeling that way. Like I feel like me and dalton could eventually be good for and with each other but he's not "at a good place in life" if he only knew that I hate living he would see that he's not alone in that. I want to help him become himself just like he's helped me in the last three weeks become more of myself. Just got to put my game face on and keep being persistent in this.

Dead Inside

It seems as though I always find myself in the worst situations. My boyfriend lied to me, and it makes me wonder what I did wrong that he couldn't be honest about something stupid. And it also makes me curious as to what else he lies to me about. I just know I am always so open and honest about EVERYTHING I do. No matter what... there was a time where I wasn't honest, but to be fair we had just gotten back together and he was questioning what was done when we weren't together - which in my opinion doesn't matter. I never questioned him about what he did. It just really hurt my feelings to know that he was lying to me and then he tells me he didn't tell me bc he didn't want to argue about it. I wouldn't have argued if he were just honest. I'm to the point of being dead inside all over again... 😞💀



I literally can't even sit in the same room with him... he's been on his phone since I got here. And if he lied to me about something small, what's to say he isn't lying about something else? I can feel my heartbreaking and it literally sucks.



Times like this I miss Rob more than I've ever missed anyone. He literally treated me the way I should be treated and loved me without any restrictions. He would have done anything possible to make me smile, whether it be sending flowers bc I had a bad morning or driving to see me just because. He was literally the sweetest, most caring person that has ever been in my life. If only I could still call him just to hear his voice one more time. He would know what to tell me and the right thing to do in this situation.


I know I'm always depressed and no one likes to read that shit, but what else could possibly go wrong in my life? I try to be happy, and I try to be a good person. But sometimes it is really fucking hard to do. I get so tired of trying so hard - it literally hurts to never be good enough. I hate crying, I hate making myself stress... I hate what the stress does to my body and most of all what it does to my mind. I start to over think everything then I become this shell of a person who no one wants to be around. And I do it to myself. Sad thing is I know when I start to shut down but there isn't anything I do that can reverse that.



Sorry for all the whining and bitching, but I had to get it out of me before I explode.

Life keeps getting weirder

I lost my sweet puppy this weekend (7-28-16). It was one of the most horrible things that i could say has happened to me in my 23 years of life. It was a freak accident, but I still blame myself. I didn't always like Chase, but I damn sure loved him. I wish he was here to lick my ankles when I walk thru the door after work. Or here to growl at any other dogs that try to get close to Sturgis. I just wish he was here period. 

I know it will get easier with time, but that does not make it easier now. I miss him more than i could ever imagine someone could miss a pet. Dogs are super loyal and loving. They love you no matter how you treat them. I wish i could go back in time and save him... 




I know it has been a while since i last wrote anything, but i just haven't had much time. I lost Rob, my Mawmaw, and my niece all in the last two years. It's been shitty, but i have learned a lot. 

Me and Jason are still together and stronger then we have ever been. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. 


You know, sometimes life just gets to be a little too much for some people. I get it, i do.... I know my life right now is definitely not where i want or need it to be. I am continuously working on myself every day. I try to get better with every step. Its hard, but no one ever said life was easy. 

The life in the tattoo industry

Let's see, guess we have to play catch up again... like always.

I moved into the halfway house on July 29, 2013.. i lived there til October of 2013. I loved every minute of it in the beginning.. i met a girl in there who i got close with (bad idea). We moved out and into a hotel for two weeks (i ended back in the house). I was dating an asshole named Eric Olsen. He was from Jersey but lived in Lebanon TN. He is also an addict. We (me, Jamie, Eric, & Nick) all got drunk together sitting in a hotel room. it was TWO weeks from my year sober. and i fucked it all the way up. I of course ended up blacked out and woke up with a busted head and a huge cut on my back and i have no idea to this day why. I moved back into the house, and things went to shit. no one wanted me to be with Eric (which i thought he needed me) (we'll get into that in a minute) they all became bitches over night. and i am actually extremely grateful i got out when i did. i miss the fellowship of the house sometimes, the support. but i honestly do not miss their misconstrued version of recovery, nor the way it was ran. I dont miss sharing 2 bathrooms with 12 women, i dont miss them stealing my food. i dont miss having to pay WAY too much money to be there. Anyways, back to the catching up. i came home JUST TO VISIT and i brought my boyfriend (at the time) Eric with me.. he met my mom and then convinced me to go shoplift some clothes for him.. some would say no one can make you do the things you do. but he knew exactly how to get into my head. he knew what to say to me, and how to say it. if that makes any sense. well i have shoplifted many times when i was a hardcore junkie. and ive always gotten away with it. but not this time, i sat in the autauga county metro for four days. with no shower, no toothbrush, no bra, no panties. and 2 meals a day. i was in solitary due to implanted piercings they couldnt remove. IT SUCKED. well needless to say my mom hated him the day she met him. well i wanted to come home and he wanted to come with me.. so long story short i brought him and we moved into my moms rental house with my cousin Paulina. mine and erics relationship was a downhill battle from the day we came to bama. and thats okay, i hated him. i had a resentment towards him.. i kicked him out new years eve :)

i started working in a daycare when i first moved home. it was okay, until i realized that i cannot work with kids all day and stay sober. i didnt really look for anything else..  

a parent pissed me off one day so i had to get a new tattoo to ease my anger (its my out). and the artist Jason kinda thought i was cute. and i jokingly said, you should give me a job lol. and that was it. we exchanged numbers and then like 2 weeks later he asked if i really wanted a job.. so of course i took it. and thats where i am. i am sober, on probation, and i have a job i love. 

AAAAAAAND im once again kinda seeing my boss. i like him. i really do. 

I move Monday. I'm nervous but excited all at the same time. I have been in relapse mode for a while now & I know this house will be the best thing for me. I'm sad I can't get drew to say he loves me. He won't express his feelings. I hate it. I just have to act like nothing ever happened. But it did. I'm gonna ask him. I'm gonna be straightforward about it. I'm just ready to really start focusing on myself and my sobriety. I think it's gonna be good for me. At least I hope so. I've been so angry and pissed off. So depressed and down. I've been to the point of losing my sobriety. And it's not worth it. My sobriety and my life should come first. 

Time to get this shit under control. 

I have cried myself to sleep for four days straight. I hate the way things are going. I feel a relapse coming on and the way my depression is right now I know I'd relapse to die. I'm so stressed out. I don't wanna be alive. I don't wanna be here period. I'm mad at everyone including myself. I don't even look myself in the eye when I'm looking in the mirror. I don't even like who I am. I hate myself. I'm getting fat. I've inked my body & no one likes it. I'm having to do something id never thought I'd have to do. Me & drew are done. Me & rob are done too. Why do I always tend to fuck everything good up. ALWAYS. it never fails. My life is one big fuck up. I seriously wish it would have been me & not Richie/Heather. Why couldn't god have let me be the one to go? Then I wouldn't be struggling so bad right now. 

All hell is gonna break loose.

So the chick I'm living with works with me. She sucks. All she wants to do is drink. Which A lot of people I work with can't say anything bc they all smoke weed. During work. But tomorrow our boss is firing her. And I know but I can't tell her cause I have to act surprised. And if all hell breaks loose I'm moving. Either back to Bama. Or into my bosses house. Idk what to do in this situation. I feel bad but it's not my fault she sucks at her job. I just hope she doesn't rat out the people who smoke at work. Or smoke at all. And I hope she doesn't rat out me and drew. Bc I have gone back to work when everyone's gone so I can kiss him before he goes home to his wife. I mean I can deny the fuck out of it. But idk. I'm good at lying. I hate that I am, but I am. Ya know? Idk what to do! I'm so nervous about tomorrow. I guess we'll see how everything happens. Aaaahhhh. I have a feeling it won't be good.  But i really don't know. I mean if it turns out bad then I can always go back home to my mommy. Which might be better in the long run bc I can end things with drew. And not be so upset with having to see him everyday. I love him I truly do. I haven't even ended it and I'm already 100% heartbroken. But you know I have to do what's best for me. His wife is starting to catch on. But that's on him. I have a feeling the next two nights with him will be the worst. And I'm dreading them. Absolutely dreading it. I don't wanna end it. Ever. But he can't provide for me. Or even love me wholly. I wish he could. With everything in me I wish he could. But it won't happen. Or I don't see it happening. I just have a lot on my mind. 

Goodnight babies. 😘