tears..

i had someone tell me the other day that when she went through a phase where she hated her life, herself, and just all together hated the world... she reminded herself of the Bible verse that talks about God keeping everyone of your tears. and then i thought about it... everytime i cry, and think no one hears me or sees me. or no one is there for me... God is. and when i have my one on one time with Him one day He is gonna pull out EVERY single tear that i have ever cried and say "I was there for you." and knowing that makes life that much easier.

his name is...

there is this person.. he makes me smile when im around him.

he can sing, and play guitar.

i get butterflies whenever im around him.

it is kinda weird.

something about the way he does his hair...

it just looks so good.

and he's kind of awkward, but i love it.

he's smart.

he's always fun to be around.

there's just something about him..

the most important thing though..

he's a true man of God.

but there's no way for me to tell him this.

i tell myself he wouldnt give me the time of day.

but only because of my past. 

tired of living this life.

im tired of living like this. always crying and upset.

mark is gonna be back in town tomorrow, i dont really know what to think.

i wanna see him, touch him, or kiss him.

i miss him. a lot.

just to hear his voice would give me every reason not to give up hope on him.

i dont know why i cant stop thinking about him.

he's everything i dont need. but he's everything i want.

its weird.

i miss everything about him, and i cant believe i still want to be with him

after everything we went through.

i cant keep letting him consume my thoughts. all it does is depress me.

im back to my tired of trying and not so scared of dying.  i just want to go home. and be with my Savior. i hate this earth and all it has to offer. i wanna go back to the old emily, who was on drugs. but i know that im still here and not dead for a reason. and if i go back to my old ways then i might not get another chance to change. and for some reason mark is still here too, maybe hes not dead for a reason. i dunno though.

crying myself to sleep is starting to get old. very old.

most people always think im happy, except a few people. and i try to be happy. well as happy as i know how to be. its not easy though.

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and thats what every one wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life.

a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, bc they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah, too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, then they leave.

a soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master."

i feel like this could be about Mark, but i dont think of him in this way.

i know i talk a lot of mark, but everything i put in here is true.. and exactly how i feel. i just dont know what to do anymore. its like i have no purpose here. theres no real reason for me to even be here. i dont understand, and i never will. all i can do is give it to God. and thats hard. super hard for me to do.

i continue to pray for mark. constantly. hoping he can change. and be the man he is supposed to be. maybe it will happen. guess we'll see.

but im going to sleep, gotta be up for work in the morning.

goodnight.