a little bit stronger.

sara evans has a song called stronger. and it is my theme song for the day. it's helped me today. i just wish i could go by the songs video. that if i dont think about him or whatever is bothering me, then i can get stronger and the tears will be less. but its not that easy.

justin didnt turn out to be who i thought he was.. just a liar. that's all. he is just a guy who i thought was gonna be different. ha... although i have been talking to Kyle Benton for a WHHIILLLEEE now, i dont know how that will work out.

-If I could draw a picture of how I feel It would be a big deep hole with a stick man in the bottom and the walls falling in around him with him on his knees from exhaustion of the fight...When do the answers come and peace begin?

^that's how i feel at the moment. like all my walls are crashing down, and there isn't anything i can do to fix anything. i know its time to hit my knees and pray as hard as i can. Jesus is the only man i need in my life right now, even though that is hard to admit, and hard to do.... i gotta do it. and i gotta give up things i dont need.

for some reason today, i just keep breaking down and crying. with no REAL reason for it. i just look at something, or someone's name pops in my head, and i just start to cry. and there isnt anything i can do to control the tears. they arent the tears that you scream and cry out. they are tears that just keep steadily flowing.. and i cant do anything about it.

i tend to worry about myself. and i worry so much that i make myself literally sick with worry.

my prayer today:

Heavenly Father,
i need you now more than ever, and without you i am NOTHING.
allow me to change, for the better. for you. Jesus, thank you for all you
have proven to me, and shown me within the last few months.
thanks for being my rock, and for always being there. no matter when.
Jesus, i need you to please take my worries away, and to stop the tears.
i need you to work on me, for me to be the perfect woman for the man
you are gonna put me with. and to make me realize that i dont need to be
searching for a man, that when the time is right, you will show me the man
you already have picked out for me. God, just allow me to do what is right,
and to always trust in you. thank you.
-Amen.

i am not my own, for i have been bought with a price. this life is His to do with as He pleases. who am i to argue? He is God and i am His servant. make me humble, Father.

" i hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. i hate the way you drive, i hate it when you stare at me. i hate how you have to be dressed perfect at all times and how you can read my mind. i hate how you're always right, and how you lie. i hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. i hate how you arent around and how you didnt call. but most of all i hate the way i dont hate you. not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."