never thought i would do this...

but, its time that i did.

the night that changed my life forever was 2 days before thanksgiving 2010.
i was raped.
i knew the guy somewhat. not too well though.
i went home with him one night.
and i cleaned his apartment the next day.
i cleaned it a few times after that.
it was nothing serious.
then on that night, i wouldnt sleep with him.
and he held me down, and forced me to have sex with him.
you cant understand the pain unless youve been there.
and youve been where no one can hear your screams and cries.
no one is there to help you. and you feel so useless.
and used, and worthless. you feel like no one is ever gonna find
you to be good enough.
i tried so hard to run my car off a bridge that night. i didnt wanna be
alive anymore. i felt nasty. i felt like everyone knew that i had been used.
i took the longest shower ever, thinking i could somehow wash myself clean.
i was so scared. i didnt tell anyone for almost a year.

to this day i blame myself.
i didnt have to go over there.
or go alone.
or if i would have just had sex with him,
he wouldnt have had to rape me.
but i have been working on not blaming myself.
its hard, but ive got to do it.
i have to put this in my past, and look at it as a
stepping stone.